Author: Admin

No relationship is perfect. Sometimes the voice in your head starts saying things like, “Is this really how it’s supposed to be?” or “They’re not who I thought they were.“

If you’re trying to figure out the best way to approach this situation, here are some experts’ insights that will help you deal with disappointment in a relationship.

Barbara Calvi, LMFT, SEP

Barbara Calvi

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Beat The Marriage Odds

The first thing that is important to consider is that disappointment in a relationship is inevitable. It is inevitable because you are married to another human being with his/her/their own distinct brain, nervous system, filters, and identity.

There is, of course, a difference between little or minor disappointments and large-scale disappointments. But even larger-scale disappointments are inevitable.

In fact, one of the questions I always ask in the early stages of treatment with couples is “What was your first disillusionment with your partner?” This presupposes that there is one. Sometimes, they happen years into the relationship and sometimes they happen in the very first stages.

You likely feel disappointed with your partner because they either did something you didn’t like or want or didn’t do something you wanted them to do. What matters here isn’t that there is a disappointment; it is how a couple handles it when there is one.

When a partner has done something that has resulted in the other feeling disappointed, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything troubling about your relationship.

It means that your partner is different from you, may have different experiences, thoughts, feelings, preferences, and desires from you.

And at any given time, they may be in a situation where they are not able to be who you want them to be or to behave in a way you want them to behave, for their own often complex and deeply intrapersonal or intrapsychic reasons.

The important part is to remember there are various steps to handle the disappointment.

Set a time for the two of you to talk about what happened. Make sure it is when you are both calm and in a good place.
Take a risk and be vulnerable. Let your partner know what they did/didn’t do that was disappointing.
Go beyond expressing anger and frustration. Dig below the surface and talk about the more vulnerable and tender raw feelings that you feel. If you don’t initially feel anything other than anger, take a while and get in touch with what would be there if the anger suddenly fell away.
Make sure you talk about your own experience rather than going on about your partner’s behavior. Tell your partner about why this particular thing has so much impact and what the meaning you gave it.
Be honest with yourself about the assumptions you made about your partner and their behavior and motivations. Then, be honest with your partner about what all this was that was going on in your head.
Remember that you have a role to play in being heard. Staying as calm, non-judgmental, and non-critical as much as possible will help your partner be able to listen to you.
Each partner receiving this feedback should work on listening non-defensively. Don’t cross-complaint or bring up your own grievances. Summarize to your partner what they are telling you. Be curious and investigative. Ask any questions to help you be more able to understand their POV, even if you don’t ultimately agree with it.Take the stance of an investigative journalist. You are gently inquiring about what happened and how they feel, and doing it from a neutral place as possible. Remember, you don’t have to agree.
When one partner has finished, reverse roles and have your partner explain what was going on for them, what they were thinking, feeling, wanting, desiring when they did what they did or didn’t do.

The idea is not necessarily to come to an agreement on whether one partner was in the right to have an expectation, or whether the other partner was right to not meet that expectation – but to create a space to understand each other’s perspectives and allow these perspectives to sit side by side without either person having to be wrong.

When doing this well, partners feel a softening and tenderness for each other that enables them to initiate some repair and reconnect.

Doing this over time will help you develop the pyramid of skills required to help you navigate and address any difficult and challenging situation or conversation with your partner.

This will help you develop the three crucial capacities needed to have effective communication in really difficult and trying situations.

It can help you develop the capacity to go internal and identify what you think, feel, want, prefer, desire in real-time; be able to say difficult things to your partner while staying steady, and be able to stay steady when your partner tells you something that is difficult to hear.

Phil Boissiere, LMFT

Phil Boissiere

Relationship Specialist, The Relationship Therapy Group of San Francisco

Unfortunately, most people are actually primed for disappointment in their romantic relationships from the very start.

This phenomenon is caused in large part due to a myth that we all subscribe to – Relationships feel good, go smoothly, and fulfill us, almost automatically and if they are not then something is inherently wrong.

To make matters worse, we all have a cognitive bias that leads us to blame others for things that are going wrong. For example, when someone cuts us off while driving, we tend to jump to some internal dialogue about how they are selfish, or reckless, etc.

We rarely ever think about what may have been going on for that person. Maybe they made a mistake, maybe they are on the way to the hospital, maybe they lost their job, etc.

Related: Why Do We Blame Others for Our Failures, Mistakes, and Problems?

When we apply that same bias to our intimate relationships, we end up disappointed, resentful, and less likely to feel good in the relationship. In order to mitigate a sense of disappointment; some basic ideas need to be adopted:

Acknowledge that neither you or your partner are experts at being in your relationship
You both come to the relationship with a host of good and bad examples, behaviors, and beliefs that you picked up from your family and prior relationships.

Realize that your partner cannot fulfill you
You must seek the things in life that drive fulfillment. A loving and supportive relationship ads to fulfillment. Good sex ads to fulfillment. However, neither of these factors will fill your well completely.

Looking inside yourself and working hard to have a fulfilling life will improve your sense of satisfaction across the board.

Never expect your partner to read your mind
Often we expect that our partner will magically do the things we want them to, or magically know what we are thinking. When this doesn’t happen, we feel, you guessed it–disappointed.

Are you putting in what you want to get out? All-day long people walk into therapy offices complaining about how they don’t have enough sex, don’t feel close to their partner, are dissatisfied with their joint life direction, etc.

It is often the case, that when we look under the hood we find that the person is not doing the things that make their partner want to have sex, they are doing things that push their partner away, they don’t speak up or contribute to life planning, etc.

If you want more sex and connection, then foster it. Go back to basics, just like you did when your relationship was just budding. Dress up, pay attention, be kind, be inviting, share your thoughts, ideas, and dreams, etc.

Speak to you what you need, not what is wrong
If your partner makes you feel like an afterthought, don’t focus just on that, instead, point out what you need in order to feel like a priority in their life.

Let them know how when they greet you lovingly or bring you coffee in the morning it makes you feel loved.

Jessica Small, M.A., LMFT

Jessica Small

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Premarital Counselor |
Parenting Coach, Growing Self Counseling and Coaching

Disappointment in a relationship is unavoidable. We often come into our relationships with expectations, some of which are subconscious and unidentified.

It is normal and common to have moments in which you feel disappointed by something happens with your partner.

The experience of disappointment itself is not an issue, it is how you handle it that counts. Here are some things to consider about feeling disappointed:

Get curious
If you are feeling disappointed, it is a good opportunity to turn inwards and identify what the underlying expectation or home was.

For instance, if you notice that you feel disappointed around holidays or your birthday, think about what these events mean to you, how they were handled in your family growing up and what your hopes and expectations are about them now.

Once you understand the underlying cause of the disappointment then you can communicate it with your partner.

Use disappointment as a way to ask for your needs to be better met
Disappointment brings about a great opportunity for communication. Consider using this outline when bringing something up to your partner: use an “I” statement to communicate your feeling followed by a positive need.

The “I” statement avoids starting the conversation from a position of blame and criticism and the positive need provides a specific action that will resolve the complaint.

For example “I felt sad/disappointed when I was excited to tell you about my new promotion at work and you seemed distracted by your phone, would you be able to put your phone down so we can talk about it now?”.

Pay attention to your expectations and reconsider them altogether
Sometimes we need to use disappointment as a tool for self-reflection and understanding. If you notice you feel disappointed often, it may be worth considering what your expectations of your partner are and reality checks if they are realistic or not.

It is common to want our partners to behave and do things in very similar ways to ourselves. Human nature is to assume our way is best, but often this can set us up to feel hurt and let down.

Working on acceptance for who your partner is and the ways that they are going to be different can often create more space to enjoy the gifts they do provide and shift into a more positive perspective.

Related: Three Keys to a Successful Relationship

Heidi Krantz, OTR, CPC, ELI-MP

Heidi Krantz

Life and Dating Coach | Founder, Reinvention Life Coaching

Disappointment is a normal and natural part of every relationship, so first of all, don’t panic when you feel disappointed. Disappointment does not necessarily mean you are with the wrong partner or that you need to take drastic or dramatic action.

Be calm and acknowledge the facts first
Stop before you lash out or before you sink into depression. Calmly acknowledge and accept how you are feeling and don’t try to push it away.

Evaluate how the disappointment relates to a core trait or value in your partner
This should be a value that is of paramount importance to you. Ideally, figuring out which core traits and values are most important to you is a prerequisite to finding a partner and this is an exercise work on with my coaching clients very regularly.

So, for example, if one of your most important qualities in a partner is honesty and your disappointment relates to that trait, you will consider your feelings of disappointment very seriously as they relate to continuing your relationship long term.

However, if your disappointment relates to a trait in your partner that is something you wish were otherwise, but is not one of your core paramount “must-have” traits, then you will approach it differently.

Related: What Are Core Values and How Do They Control My Life?

Communicate effectively with your partner
You will rely on healthy communication to work through it, along with self-reflection to understand what’s driving your reaction and work within yourself to let it go as you recognize once again that there is no relationship without some disappointment.

Wait until you are not feeling emotionally activated to communicate about your disappointment, and remember not to put your partner on the defensive.

Discuss what you do want rather than what you don’t want and use the word “I” more than the word “you” during the conversation. Talk about the particular action or event that was disappointing, rather than more global criticism of your partner.

When handled mindfully in this way, disappointment can actually prove to be an opportunity for the strengthening of the relationship along with valuable personal growth.

Nikki Loscalzo, Ed. M.

Nikki Loscalzo

Therapeutic Relationship Coach, Savvy Strategies Relational Life Therapy

We all experience disappointment in our romantic relationships. This disappointment develops from the gap between the relationship that you have and the one that you wish you had and it is something that we all experience but that far too few of us acknowledge is a fundamental aspect of any intimate relationship.

Our broader culture doesn’t help to model the reality of this universal disappointment. Hollywood romcoms and other people’s social media feeds all conspire to leave us feeling that our relationship and our partner are uniquely disappointing.

When we are thrust into the pain of this disappointment, we too often find ourselves acting in ways that are comfortable, familiar, and, profoundly counterproductive.

We want to close the gap and heal the crunch; we want to be close to our partner, we want them to understand what we are feeling, to see things from our point of view, and to validate our experience.

This wish for a shared perspective and reconnection is completely understandable, healthy, and universal. The problem is that what we end up actually doing in our attempt to try to get our partners to understand only ends up driving them further away and getting us even less of what we really want.

These five savvy alternatives to our default responses will help us to get closer to our partners, understand each other’s feelings, see things from each others’ points of view, and validate each other’s experiences.

In short, these strategies will help us move into connected, cherishing, and authentic intimacy.

Instead of complaining, ask them for what you want
Let your partner know what you would like them to do, now or in the future that would give you more of what you want. You have no right to complain about what you never asked for.

Take time to think of your true goal
In the midst of conflict and disappointment, it’s often difficult to behave constructively. But if you take the time to think about your true goal, connecting and repairing with the person you love, you have a much better chance of getting what you want from your partner.

Listen truthfully
When your partner comes to you seeking repair a natural response is to counter their position, defend your actions, or tell them the ways you also feel dissatisfied.

None of this will help move you back into connection. Instead, listen to truly understand, acknowledge your own behavior, and give your partner as much as you can.

Appreciate your partner’s efforts
The final steps in the repair process are to express appreciation for everything that your partner has agreed to do for you and, to offer to help your partner deliver on what they have agreed to do. Ask your partner: How can I help you to give me what I want?

Cultivate joy and pleasure in your relationship
Express appreciation for your partner. Demonstrate your love, passion, and affection for your partner. Rediscover romance, fun, and new experiences together.

Find time to be fully available and in tune with one another. Focus on the good in your relationship and in your life together.

Tracy Crossley

Tracy Crossley

Behavioral Relationship Expert

Be real and do not lie to yourself
A lot of times we try to put off disappointment by building false hope or fantasies about getting back together.

It is to not dress up the relationship to make it better than it was or different than it was—it is to really see how it was and is—it may hurt, but you get over the disappointment faster by being real with yourself.

Do not assign blame to the other person
Instead, look to yourself, how did you contribute to the relationship? What is it you did or did not do—not so you blame yourself but so you see the truth that two people created the relationship and both were part of why it did not work.

Blame means you are always waiting for someone to give you something—like an apology or something which prevents you from moving on.

It is empowering to be aware of what you did or did not do, so you can look at working on it if it is something you feel is a problem.

Try to stay away from scarcity thinking
Stop thinking they were the only ones! Or I can’t survive without them, it’s not true. You want to look at this as something to learn from and that in the future you still have an opportunity.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly

Carla Marie Manly

Clinical Psychologist

It can be difficult to handle disappointments in a relationship, particularly if the relationship is not generally healthy. We often have high expectations that we put on our partners, and sometimes disappointments result from overly high expectations.

In other cases, a partner doesn’t the ability or desire to meet certain expectations; this can be distressing, particularly if a lack of desire or interest in meeting expectations is at work.

Honor your feelings and come to know why you are disappointed
Through this process, you can come to accept disappointments and also do your best to avoid similar disappointments in the future. It’s important to follow a few steps when feeling disappointed.

Allow your feelings to inform you as to why you are feeling disappointed.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings to decompress and process the situation.
Assess whether or not your expectation was too high or demanding.
Look at whether or not you communicated your needs clearly and openly. Talking about the situation openly and honestly often results in bonding and healing.
When possible, communicate your feelings and needs to the other person involved; use “I” messages to avoid blaming or shaming.
Work to create a plan for the future to mitigate or stop future disappointments.
Related: How to Let Go of Expectations & Why It’s Important

Dr. Wyatt Fisher

Dr. Wyatt Fisher

Licensed Clinical Psychologist | Marriage Counselor

Assess your expectations
Sometimes we become disappointed in relationships because we had unrealistic expectations, to begin with. Therefore, it’s important to see if unrealistic expectations are influencing your disappointment.

Assess their behavior
Second, try to understand the causes of your partner’s disappointing behavior, such as things in their background or current circumstances. Doing so will build more compassion towards their behavior.

Discuss it with your partner
Third, discuss your disappointment with your partner to understand what’s causing it and how you may be contributing to it. Then, discuss solutions and ideas to improve it.

Jeffrey I. Kassinove, Ph.D.

Jeffrey I. Kassinove,

Licensed Psychologist |
Co-Founder, Academics West and Therapy West

Dealing with disappointment isn’t easy. We spend so much of our vested energy into a relationship and, when we are disappointed or rejected, it can cause a sting to our ego and self-esteem.

Of course, it is a normal part of life and not uncommon for our partner to disagree with us, sometimes ignore us or be distracted on occasion. These experiences happen to all of us and how we handle them is important for our well-being.

It is important to remember that what your partner does isn’t always a direct result of what you have done or not done.

Sometimes they are having trouble at work, with other friends, are tired, run-down, or have their own mental health issues that are getting in the way. Someone with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder will often look around a restaurant, seemingly distracted but, in fact, they are paying attention to you. The key is to reflect on our partner and realize that it may not be about you.

Be direct with your partner
Sometimes it is something that we have done that causes a rift or disappointment. in this case, being direct with your partner is key. Ask them if you did anything that upset them?

Be open to change and be collaborative
No relationship is ever perfect and we all need to be willing to give an olive branch and meet one another halfway.

Finally, if the relationship is ending, the phrase “there are other fish in the sea” really is an important mindset to move past the relationship.

Having a good supportive network is very valuable and will help us stay connected, but also realizing that other people who will find you interesting exist is also key to your self-esteem. So, dating other people can minimize the power that your last relationship may have had on you.

Dr. Patricia Celan

Patricia Celan

Psychiatry Resident, Dalhousie University

Reflect on the experience before expressing yourself to your partner
Expectations in a relationship are not always clear to everyone involved, or they’re not always achievable and realistic. Disappointment is inevitable but not insurmountable.

Oftentimes, a person’s knee-jerk first reaction can be much more emotional and damaging than after taking time to calm down.

Part of calming down should involve reflecting on gratitude; yes, your partner disappointed you in this circumstance, and how many times has your partner impressed you?

Once you are feeling more level-headed and have a balanced perspective, express to your partner that you were disappointed and why. Discuss your expectations, needs, and how you can both compromise for better outcomes in the future.

You will hopefully have both learned a valuable lesson about yourself and your relationship. Turn the disappointment into an opportunity for growth and mutual self-improvement!

Doris Fullgrabe

Doris Fullgrabe

Life Coach, Your Love Profiles | MBTI® Master Practitioner

Feeling disappointed in relationships is practically guaranteed when one party is operating out of BLM Syndrome.

“BLM” stands for Be Like Me. Coined by human and organizational development practitioner, Linda Berens, Ph.D., BLM describes how people project expectations onto others. We want the people around us to act, react, think, speak, and be like us.

And if they don’t, well, they must be mad, bad, weird, or wrong. After all, our way is the best way, otherwise, we wouldn’t be doing it.

BLM Syndrome afflicts all of us at some point, especially when we’re stressed, sick, hangry, or tired. Unfortunately, there is no outright cure for BLM, but with self-awareness, acceptance, and communication, we can reduce the symptoms and frequency of flare-ups.

Know your triggers
You’re probably an otherwise chill person to be around, but some behaviors (even in people you love) just set you off. This can look like asking your partner, “Why don’t you ever leave me little love notes?” or saying things like, “I can’t believe I have to wait for you again.”

Recognizing BLM becomes easier when you know what makes you tick and what ticks you off. Understanding your personality and your partner’s personality type preferences (with a tool like the Myers-Briggs MBTI® questionnaire) can be an effective way to understand how you and your mate are alike and different.

Do a reality check
Before blowing your stack at your partner, take a moment to name all the things they are doing that you like, enjoy, and appreciate. Then take another minute to reflect on how you might be triggering them. Now ask yourself, “Does that usually happen on purpose?”

We come into the world with a predisposition for using our brain a certain way. This shows up in how we behave in any given context.

What we say and how we say it usually comes from a place of wanting our own needs met, not because we want to intentionally create drama or hurt anyone.

Practice compassion
Acknowledging how your projections affect your partner is a helpful step towards accepting your partner as a whole, separate person. You’re in this relationship together. This means accepting that they have their own needs and BLM perspective, too.

Opening a dialog to talk about each others’ triggers is a good starting point.

From there, you can decide on safe words for when either of you is feeling triggered and/or gestures to signal when you’re feeling let down or your expectations are misaligned.

Until people can read each other’s minds, we have to practice verbalizing what is going on inside our heads, to help our partner understand us better.

It can be uncomfortable but, along with self-awareness, communication can help your relationship blossom and thrive — even in the face of disappointment.

Related: How to Get to Know Yourself Better (9 Self-Awareness Questions)

Amir Fathizadeh

Speaker | Business Coach, Coaching Collaborative, LLC |
Author, Gossip: The Road to Ruin

If you are disappointed in a relationship, don’t go down the rabbit hole, trying to find out the details of your disappointment. You would want to look at 2 things: Can I make this relationship work again? Can I move on?

If the answer to the first one is yes, then you will need to get help with communication skills, because that is probably the source of why you are disappointed.

If you are choosing to move on, then take a long vacation or go away somewhere. Do not get involved with another relationship for at least 6 months to a year.

Let’s open this up. Consider that, what makes a person disappointed is not necessarily what happened, but rather what led to what happened and the interpretation of what happened.

We, as human beings are always looking for evidence to prove something not working in our relationships, especially if we already have communication issues.

We don’t see ourselves responsible to alter the relationship, but rather we seem to look for evidence as to why our relationship is not working.

Therefore, when something happens that disappoints us, we are left devastated, betrayed, abandoned or even a victim. We blame the other person, and more we try to blame or try to find evidence, the more we are going down the rabbit hole.

Recognize your pattern of behavior
ake responsibility for your disappointment no matter whose fault it is. I know sometimes it might be hard to do that, but it is the most powerful way of dealing with it.

Get help to work on your communication skills
It has to start with you and how you are being in a relationship that will impact and create a stronger and unbreakable relationship in the future. If you don’t care and want to continue your life with the same patterns of behavior, then be my guest and continue with how things have been.

Take a break to improve yourself
If after all the considerations, you truly think you need to move on, then take a long break, work on yourself and your communication, and then come back with creating something new.

This can work for the relationship you were in or a new relationship (I highly recommend to take a 6-12 months break before getting involved in a New Relationship).

Relationships are not easy, but what makes them work, is the responsibility of each individual (100% responsibility as there is no such thing as 50/50).

It is you who will be able to create excitement and something new in relationship and practice staying away from blaming and complaining. You will not be disappointed in a relationship again!

Julia Keys

Julia Keys

Author, Manscript |
Member, British Association of Counseling and Psychotherapy

Whenever we feel disappointed, it tends to be about someone or something not meeting our expectations. If that someone is your partner then your feelings of being let down are going to be high on your agenda.

You can feel anger, hurt, frustration, humiliation, and other negative emotions that have been triggered through an unmet need.

So, how do you deal with these emotions and what do you do about your partner and your relationship?

Try to gain an accurate perspective of the disappointment
Is my disappointment truly valid?
Were my expectations realistic?
How has my partner disappointed me?
Does my partner usually meet my expectations?
What does my partner’s lack of understanding mean to me?
Has the reason for the disappointment been mentioned before?
Have I recently changed the expectations of my partner?
Have I recently changed the expectations of our relationship? Have my partner’s expectations changed?
Am I needing more from the relationship than usual and if so, have a communicated this to my partner?
What do I really want and need from my partner to help heal the uncomfortable feelings? Can I do this myself?
All of these questions help you to focus on your understanding of the situation, your partner, and your feelings and why you feel such disappointment.

If you have been in a long term relationship you probably think you know your partner’s personality and traits really well and if it’s a new relationship it’s all a learning curve.

Talk to your partner and re-evaluate your relationship
Feeling let down and disappointed can give you both a chance to talk and re-evaluate your relationship and what you want from each other.

If one of you wants the relationship to end and the other doesn’t and there is no chance of any reconciliation, then take what you have learned from the current relationship and use it in your next.

If you have the opportunity to talk things through then use the space to discuss each other’s needs and expectations. If you are the one who feels let down start the conversation with “I feel disappointed because…” and not “you made me feel…”

If you go on the attack you may well get a defensive response. You may feel justified in blaming your partner but if you want to negotiate a new viewpoint, you need to take responsibility for your reaction.

There’s a better chance of your partner hearing your words rather than closing down and dismissing how you feel if you approach the conversation from the “I”.

Sometimes, we can frequently feel disappointed because our partner keeps repeating a pattern of behavior. Maybe you have mentioned it several times before but still, nothing changes.

When this happens, it’s you who has to decide to take control of your feelings and decide what you are prepared to accept and not. Ask yourself the following questions:

Does my partner know how to meet my expectations?
Is he capable of understanding my feelings?
Does he usually show he cares about how I feel?
Is it always me who feels let down?
Do I make excuses for my partner’s behavior?
It’s so important to see the reality of the situation so asking questions like the above helps you to properly assess what is going on between you.

There will always be a compromise in a relationship, it depends on what you are both prepared to accept and compromise on. It’s a process of give-and-take, an open negotiation between two people who have mutual love and respect for each other.

We may think we know our partner really well but the truth is we can always learn through every disagreement, every misunderstanding, and every disappointment, making the relationship stronger and closer than ever before.

Risa Williams, LMFT

risa williams

Therapist and Life Coach

Build in some self-soothing self-talk and mindfully breathe into your feelings
This can help you navigate those feelings easier. It can be good to bring the focus back to, what would I like going forward? What am I visualizing for myself next?

How can I reset from this disappointment in a way that feels healthy and focus on the things I can control such as my thoughts, the way I talk to myself, the way I soothe myself, the way I treat myself, and set healthy boundaries for myself?

When you bring the focus back to what you want going forward, you can improve the way you feel faster.

Hilary Porta

Hilary Porta

Life Architect & Mindset Ninja

People are disappointed in relationships for so many reasons; misaligned values, unmet expectations, unfulfilled desires… but guess what? You can choose to break free from the disappointment. You are the author of your story.

Examine what your relationship is founded on and where it is headed
If you were motivated to enter into a relationship because of loneliness, you may have settled for less than what you deserved and it’s time to move on. If you truly love your partner, it may be time to have a hard conversation or create clearer boundaries.

Take the insight you’ve gained from introspection and use it to help you define relationship non-negotiables and priorities.

If you’re disappointed in your relationship, you have the choice to either work hard to make it work or let it go to pursue something more beneficial for you and your partner.

Don’t let a disappointing relationship just “happen to you”. You get to sit in the driver’s seat and dictate where the relationship will go.

Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT

Marni Feuerman

Licensed Psychotherapist | Author, Ghosted and Breadcrumbed

You can have the mindset that helps you see disappointment as a normal part of any relationship. It would be really difficult–if not impossible–to not be disappointed sometimes.

Allow yourself to be curious about the disappointment so that you can respond with intention.

Be curious about yourself, the relationship itself, and your partner. What’s the meaning behind the disappointment? Why is what you are asking for important to you?

Is the issue important enough to fight about or let go? Are your expectations too high? Is there another appropriate way to get this need met? Did you communicate your desires clearly?

For major disappointments, you may have a grieving process to go through. You’re mourning an outcome that didn’t happen or a dream that won’t be fulfilled.

Kemi Sogunle

Kemi Sogunle

Life Coach | Relationship Expert | Author, Love, Sex, Lies and Reality

Disappointment in a relationship can take an emotional toll on anyone. However, understanding how disappointments happen can help shed light and gain an understanding of how to prevent it from re-occurring in the future.

Disappointments often stem up from unrealistic expectations or needs that are yet to be met in a person’s life. You hope that your partner will be able to meet those needs that you are yet to address.

When disappointments happen, do not focus on what you have lost but realize you are gaining conscious awareness of parts of you that you are yet to connect with and know.

Document the lessons learned from the relationship.
Evaluate the lessons to uncover what you learned about yourself.
What did the relationship teach you about what you tolerated and what you will not tolerate going forward?
What roles did you and your partner play in the relationship that led to the disappointments?
Asking yourself these questions will help you gain a conscious awareness about yourself, set healthy boundaries going forward, define your own requirements and relationship goals and work on healing and forgiving yourself before venturing into another relationship.

Terrie L.Vanover

Terrie Vanover

Couples Strategist, Choosing to Rise, LLC

An individual in a partnership must take accountability for their own thoughts and feelings.

They must understand that anger and disappointment are the results of an unmet need or an unfulfilled expectation.They need to ask themselves several questions when they are feeling disappointed by their partner.

In what ways am I not getting my needs met or what expectations do I need to revisit?
In what ways do I need to examine my needs and expectations and how can I get my needs met or do I need to adjust my expectations?
Once the individual has done some reflection, he or she can communicate those needs and expectations to their partner and evaluate how to work together to meet the expectations.

Tzlil Hertzberg

Tzlil Hertzberg

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, My Therapist New York

Disappointment happens in relationships all the time. It’s the feeling of expecting a certain behavior or experience and having that fall short. This definition is key to figuring out how to deal with disappointment.

Realize that you can’t control other people
Many times, we blame others and the world around us when we are disappointed. The confounding part is that the expectation is put on the other, not the self. That leaves you with wanting/expecting the other person to do and be something else. That is an impossible state to be in because, in the end, we can’t control other people.

We can control our own parameters of what we deem disappointing. We can adjust our expectations of others while still acknowledging all the feelings.

It’s not about convincing ourselves to feel differently about something that is clearly disappointing or frustrating. It’s about feeling all of that and also realizing where our expectations are being unrealistic.

Recognizing this reality is very helpful in dealing with disappointment in relationships. It gives us the space to manage ourselves and develop resilience for when we don’t get what we were hoping for.

Paige Arnof-Fenn

Paige Arnof-Fenn

Founder and CEO, Mavens & Moguls

Identify how critical the disappointment is
It depends on whether it is something big or small, personal or professional, temporary or permanent, a luxury or an essential.

Is it something I will even care about or remember in a week/month/year? At one end of the spectrum, it is a professional contact who promised to get back to you by the end of the week and either never did or it was done so poorly it left a horrible impression. You can just forgive, forget, and move on in that case.

At the other extreme, it could be a family member who breaks your trust or does something so hurtful that the relationship is permanently severed. Only you can decide what to do and where on that scale to land.

In my experience, if it is someone you care about deeply who brings joy and happiness to your life you’ll find a way to work through the disappointment.

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Loneliness is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with after a divorce. As a divorce strategist, in addition to dealing with the practicalities of the divorce process, I assist clients struggling with this issue and help them to overcome it. Loneliness is an isolating feeling and can make people feel hopeless. It’s becoming a growing concern in our technologically modern times. Approximately, one in five people suffer from loneliness. It can even negatively impact our physical health, leading to heart disease and depression. Recent research has determined that social media is actually exacerbating the problem of loneliness. Instead of bringing people together authentically, people are feeling even more disconnected from others. However, overcoming loneliness is possible.

Here are five tips to combat loneliness after divorce.

Tip #1: Accept Your Situation

First, accept where you are in your situation. Accept your feelings as a normal part of healing and moving forward. When you acknowledge and accept these feelings, you can start to overcome them. Identify what causes you to feel most lonely and what led to these feelings of loneliness. Many people find that by uncovering the root of the loneliness, they can start to get past it.

Tip #2: Surrender to the Loneliness

Free yourself from distractions and stop trying to “fight” the loneliness.  Surrender and “give into” the loneliness. While this may seem counter-intuitive, by embracing the loneliness, you’ll be able to release it. Sometimes, the more we fight something, the more the energy of it envelopes us. By acknowledging the loneliness and allowing the feelings, we can start to overcome them.

Tip #3: Put Self-Care as a Priority

A huge step in overcoming loneliness is to make taking care of yourself a priority. It’s important to maintain a healthy lifestyle after a break up. It may be tempting to overindulge in food and alcohol to temporarily numb your feelings. However, it’s even more essential during this highly stressful time to eat nutritional foods that give you energy, exercise regularly, rest, and find healthy outlets for stress.

Tip #4: Release Your Feelings Through Writing

A great tool for overcoming loneliness is journaling. Write about your feelings so you can sort them out and process them. Release your toxic emotions in your writing, but also take stock of those things in your life for which you are grateful each day. By identifying and spending time on the positive things in your life, you’ll feel more uplifted. This will give you a more positive and balanced perspective of your situation.

Tip #5: Seek Authentic Connections

Find ways to connect with others. It may be tempting to sit at home and stay isolated. However, once you’ve taken some time to reflect and sit with your loneliness, it’s important to get back out into the real world and start making authentic connections. Reconnect with old friends, reach out to groups that share your interests and make new friends. Join a book club, a MeetUp group, or find events at your local library that you can join. Volunteer at a charity or an organization that represents a cause you believe in. You’ll bond with others who share your interests and core values.

Going through divorce and processing all the emotions that it brings during this time is difficult. It’s important to find the support that you need. Having a divorce strategist on your team can help you to navigate through the process in order to move forward to rebuild your life. She can help you develop strategies that will release what the emotions that are holding you back or causing you to make decisions that aren’t in your long-term best interest. She will help you to execute the activities to reach the goals you have in your next chapter.

 

 

During my divorce, I was overwhelmed, overcome by emotions, and completely ignorant of the legal process. I became a divorce coach because I wanted to help others avoid the mistakes that I made during my own divorce experience. Not only do I work with individual clients, I am the leader of two divorce support groups in the Chicagoland area. I have heard from many clients regarding their displeasure with their divorce attorney. Attorneys may feel frustrated with their clients because they seem to lack a strong sense of direction and grapple with even simple decisions throughout the divorce process.

Much of the legal aspects of divorce are completely overwhelming for most individuals. Because of the layperson’s lack of understanding of the legalities of divorce, and the huge amount of stress they feel, they may lack organization, clear thinking skills, and may struggle to make clear decisions.

Here are a few simple tips that you can integrate into your practice to help your clients feel less stressed and more assured during the process. By having clients who feel more empowered, you’ll have clients who are happy with their attorney and more likely to refer you to others.

Tip One: One of the top complaints that I hear from my clients is the frustration over their lack of knowledge of what the process involves and how long the process will take. If you will take time to give an overview of the process and the steps involved in what may happen, your clients would feel less anxious. I would advise family law attorneys to give an overview of the process, or at least give their clients resources to understand the process. Take time to explain the legal terms and what the process will look like for your client. Using the analogy that the process can be more like a marathon, rather than a sprint, may be helpful.

Tip Two: Take time before each session to ask what questions your client may have. And LISTEN! So many clients don’t feel heard by their attorney. Taking just a few moments at the beginning of each meeting to allow your clients to ask questions and then taking a few minutes at the end of each session where you allow them to clarify what they don’t understand will immensely help to build trust between you and your client.

Tip Three: Take time to build trust and rapport with your clients. Ask questions that convey that you care about them as a person. Inquire about their well-being and their life. As attorneys, you don’t like surprises. By taking the time to build trust, you’ll assure your clients that they can trust you with sensitive information. Don’t hesitate to share a few “personal” stories that you feel comfortable telling clients so that they get to know you.

Tip Four: I’m sure that you see people at their worst. They may be distraught, shocked, or extremely angry. I urge you to be your client’s “safe harbor”. Try to be a calming influence during the storm by maintaining a calm, soothing composure. It’s important to maintain a posture of confidence and coolness, even in the face of the angriest of situations. It’s important that you not come across as detached, however. I’ve seen people who feel that their attorneys don’t care about what happens to them. While you must not allow yourself to get sucked into your client’s heightened emotional state, you must also show that you do care about their well-being.

You are doing a valuable and difficult job. No doubt that you’ve come across clients who may be almost impossible to satisfy. But by taking a few extra moments to try to understand your client’s perspective and by using the tips mentioned above, you’ll better be able to help more of your clients and help them feel more empowered during the divorce process. Partner with a divorce coach to help your clients express their desires and learn to clarify their goals. They will also learn stress reduction strategies to better cope with the overwhelm and be more goal oriented, thus being a more competent client for you.

 

I recently read a statistic that stepmothers have a much higher rate of depression and anxiety than mothers with only biological children. If you’re surprised at this, you’re not a stepmom. As an educator with over twenty years of experience, a mother experienced with having a special needs child, and a mother of three, nothing compared to the difficulty of being in the role of stepmother. The lack of respect, the perpetual blame that everything was my fault, the bias against me from my husband’s family, and the isolation I felt, had me reeling.

Society should be concerned about this because as many as 50% of women are involved in some type of step family relationship. One of the biggest contributors to the difficulty of this role is the relationship between the biological mother and the stepmother. If you are a stepmom that struggles with her relationship with her husband’s ex-wife, these tips will keep you from going insane.

Self Care

The importance of taking care of your health can not be underestimated. Make exercise a MUST. You will need all the de-stressing you can get. Yoga, running, and strength training- yes. Wine chugging- not so much. Meditation can also help you learn to stay present and release some negative energy. Put your health as a priority so you can take care of others.

Step back

Take a moment and see things from the biomom’s view. You’re a mother figure that stepped into her baby cubs’ lives that she in which she had absolutely no say. Think she’s going to let that go unnoticed? Hell no. She wants to ensure that the care that her littles receive in her ex’s care is up to her standards. Many women hold onto feelings of hostility and anger post-divorce longer than men. This undoubtedly spills into how she feels about you. If he’s a jerk, so are you. When she is being overly intrusive, try to step back and look at her perspective that she may be wanting the best for her kiddos. When the anger sets in, let some of those little jabs at you go. She’s feeling insecure and you can rise above it.

Seek Support

Find support. Being a stepmother is a very isolating role. Many of our friends and family don’t understand the complexities of building a blended family. Find someone or even a therapist who will validate your feelings and allow you to vent. Find online support. With social media, it’s easy to find local support groups through MeetUp or a Facebook support group. You can vent all you want about the biomom and everyone will totally get you. Your husband should support you and ensure that your feelings are taken into consideration. Communicate with your spouse that it’s important that he not only support you at home and with the children but it is your hubby’s job to communicate with his ex-wife. He should reassure to his ex-wife that their children are being well cared for and then set up boundaries with her. He should be firm and respectful with her, and end all negative discussions.

Find the humor

When the demands and the stress all become too much, it can be difficult not to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I would come to work and tell my co-workers about the antics of my stepchildren and they would laugh! I was appalled! But it actually helped me to see that perhaps my situation was not quite so dire. Maybe my life was a bit absurd. When I could stand back and see the absurdity in the stepchildren’s behavior (as well my own bio kids), I could let some of that shit go and laugh.

Respect the Bio-Mom

No matter what you think of the children’s mom or how she treats them, the kids are an extension of her. When you degrade her, you’re degrading them. When you talk about her flaws, they think it’s about them. Children have a unique ability to make everything about them. Always encourage a positive relationship with her no matter what. Always find the positive in every situation no matter your opinion. Every mother loves their children, no matter how badly she parents. Always come back to that.  You may disagree with the way she disciplines or the way she parents, but your spouse should be the one to communicate with the biological mother to come up with a resolution. If bio-mom doesn’t want to be a team player, so be it. If her communication becomes nasty, simply remove yourself completely out of her lines of communication. Set healthy boundaries. If she is unwilling to cooperate, stay focused on your house and what happens in it. If she starts to dog on your spouse, then HE needs to set up boundaries and keep you out of it.

 

I do realize that these tricks seem too simple. However, simple doesn’t mean easy. Remember, we can NOT control others. We can only control OUR reactions to them. When you start to practice this, it will actually give you back some of your power. If you are struggling, reach out to support groups or a life coach to help you develop some healthy boundaries and strategies.  At least you’ll be a step-monster in control of her emotions.

As a divorce coach I see a lot of people stuck in the pain, drama, and turmoil that accompanies divorce. Some are even trapped in, what I call a cycle of blame and living as a victim. They may feel that the divorce was “done” to them. While I can understand that many people are blindsided by the announcement of divorce, I find it difficult to believe that there were no warning signs. Upon further questioning, the “victim” of the divorce does concede that their spouse seemed unhappy for a long time, distant, or even angry and hateful. Many times, the client themselves may even admit to having been miserable in the marriage for a long time. Yet they feel shocked that their spouse filed for divorce despite the fact that they claim to have been verbally abused, mistreated, unappreciated, or unloved in their marriage. So why blame the other spouse for the divorce?

When you become the victim, you don’t have to accept responsibility of your part in the demise of the marriage. I have seen women vehemently swear how HORRIBLE their ex-husbands were in the marriage. They claim he was a terrible father, inattentive husband, and lousy companion. Yet, THEY were the victims of the divorce. HE left HER. How dare he! She was a doting, faithful wife! Well, I’m here to remind you know that he was not the only one in the marriage. It takes two to make a marriage successful. It’s time to reflect and figure out what led you to where you are. If he was so terrible, what led you to marry him? What red flags did you overlook?

The new buzzword in the divorce world is “narcissism”.  I sometimes hear my clients say, “My ex is a narcissist. He was gaslighting me. I was manipulated. He did this to me. He did that to me. It’s not fair.”  I do sympathize with those who struggle with high conflict people. It is truly a disempowering experience. There’s been a lot of research about the psychology of narcissism. However, there’s been little research about those who marry the narcissists. It’s important to understand that healthy people who value themselves and establish healthy boundaries DON’T stay married to people with psychological disorders.

So if you’re labeling your ex-spouse as a narcissist or another disorder, it may be time to stop blaming them for the divorce and look at why you got into the marriage in the first place. What attracted you to this person? And once their mask was unveiled, what led you to stay? The little research that has been done regarding spouses of narcissists reveals that they are eager to please and are able to dismiss red flags that narcissists display which most of us would heed as warning signs.

Remarriages end at a much higher rate than first marriages. A significant reason for this is that many partners jump into another marriage before doing the introspection on themselves. It’s important to do an autopsy of your first marriage before moving into a new relationship. People bring their baggage from one relationship into the next.  Rather than looking within and finding out how they contributed to the divorce, many people feel that the other person was the cause of the broken relationship. If they find the “right” partner, the marriage will end in happily ever after this time. By marrying someone new, they feel that the marriage will work. This flawed view of marriage leads to even more divorces. Third marriages have an even more disastrous divorce rate.

This article is written out of love, not blame. My intention in sharing this is to have people impacted by divorce to really reflect and do some introspection of themselves. We can only change and improve ourselves-thus improving what we bring into the next relationship and our world. Although difficult, it’s time to reflect about your own decisions, your communication style, your conflict management techniques, and how your past impacts the choices you make today. Finding the right therapist or life coach can help you uncover those issues that may be sabotaging you. Until you’ve taken accountability, the likelihood of being another sad divorce statistic remains high.

This is an open letter to the fathers who abandon their children after divorce. I’m writing to let you know that your children still need you. Perhaps you’ve moved on to a new family or to a new life. Maybe you feel that your children have got a good mother and you’re thinking to yourself, “She’ll take care of them. They don’t need me.”

Well, you’re wrong. Your children DO need you. And they always will. My father abandoned my sister and me as preschoolers. We saw him on and off for a few years. A few hours here and there over the years. Just like approximately thirty percent of children of divorce, my parents’ separation meant a permanent separation between us and our father. Now, as an adult woman who hasn’t seen her father in over 25 years, there’s still an emptiness in my heart. Like the other one in ten children of abandoned fathers, I contemplated suicide as a young person. I questioned whether I was worthy of love. Deep rooted feelings of unworthiness and doubts still haunt me from my childhood. If my own father doesn’t love me, how could another man? I pray that your children will never question the love you have for them or whether they are worthy of love at all.

Perhaps your ex-wife is making things difficult term paper writing. And she hates you. And she’s poisoning your children against you. She tells you that the children hate you and don’t want to see you. You don’t want to deal with the drama and the negativity. But deal with it. Your children are worth it. They want you to fight for them. If dealing with their horrible mother is the price to pay for spending time with them, then, dammit, they are worth it. In the long run, when you have a rewarding relationship with your children, you’ll be glad you endured.

Maybe somewhere in your head, you’ve rationalized that your children are better off without you. But when the dust settles and the divorce is behind you, your children will still love their father and seek love from you. Right now, they may be lashing out. They feel the anger and the bitterness of divorce-only they lack the tools and maturity to understand it. Be patient. It may take time for them to come around. Be there for them when they mature enough that they are ready for a relationship. Stay open and available to them. Let the barbs and stings that they throw at you make you stronger for them. If you give up and allow the negativity to win, your children will lose. They’ll wonder why you didn’t fight for them. Always reach out and say that you are there for them when they are ready.

Find the support and resources you need to navigate this process. Help is out there. If you want to build your relationship with your children, contact me at terrievanover@comcast.net for a free breakthrough session to see how we can support you through the process. Do what is needed, sacrifice your ego, and find your way to them. You’ll never regret it.

Kimberly had a difficult divorce. She split from her husband after finding out he had an emotional affair with a co-worker. It had been a long two years. Their three children had difficulty adjusting to their new home and a new school. But her kids had moved forward and Kimberly felt that the worst was behind her. She had worked with a divorce coach to help her set career goals and help her achieve clarity on the next chapter of her life as a single mom. She had set some goals for herself and accomplished one of her lifetime goals-completing a triathlon. It was during this training that she met an older, handsome, athletic man named Charles. He too, was divorced and had experienced betrayal.  They fell in love and planned to marry the following year.

However, she was questioning the relationship because his ex was making their life hell.  Charles’ ex-wife was intrusive and manipulative. She tried repeatedly to splinter the relationship between Charles and his son by saying hurtful things about him in front of their son or making snide comments about his parenting. She sent texts that were nasty when she did communicate. Drop-offs and pickups were becoming more and more dreaded because Charles’ ex-wife always wanted to confront them in front of his son about the parenting agreement, her alimony, or whatever she was upset about that day. Charles’ ex-wife seemed to hold resentment that there was to be a new mother figure in her son’s life. Charles’ son had told her several comments that his mom had made about her. She was surprised that she was hurt by these remarks. She had only met this woman twice and yet she seemed to hate her! In addition, the children all sensed the animosity, and the tension in the house was growing among everyone. How could she and Charles build a future together when his ex was hellbent on destroying their family?

When it comes to families blending together, there are many issues to deal with. When you are the new woman and you enter into a family that has split, it’s important to set up boundaries. Here are six tips for keeping the relationship among everyone respectful, even though not everyone may be on the same page.

• Understand your own triggers.

When you find that she is really pushing your buttons- ask yourself why. What is it that is bothering you about what she says? You can work with a divorce coach or therapist to get to the underlying root of your feelings so you can move forward. When you understand what is behind your emotions, you can start to control them.

• Develop strategies to stay in control of your emotions.

When you’ve identified your triggers, you can identify ways to handle your emotions. Meditation, exercise, and keeping a wholesome lifestyle will help you handle the stress that accompanies dealing with high-conflict people. Find healthy outlets, such as supportive friends or join a support group for families of divorce or stepmoms.

• Communicate positively with (and around) your children.

Never badmouth your spouse’s ex near or around the children-even if you feel you might be justified. These are people that your children love. They will internalize any negative comments. Foster lots of open communication so that they will come to you to openly discuss their feelings. Ignore those comments that are harmful. Focus on the children and their well-being.

 

• Technology is your friend.

If communication is difficult, there are many devices and apps that make it easy to keep the communication respectful. FamilyWall is an app that allows you to post dates, reminders, schedules, and even pictures that relate to the children. It allows you to share information in a confidential platform. If you can’t physically be around his ex without it becoming confrontational, communicate only through texts, emails, or apps. Plus, you’ll have a record of the conversations.

• Keep all communication concise and objective.                                                                         

When communicating with a difficult ex-spouse, here are a few things to keep in mind to maintain respectful interactions. First, keep it short. Leave out unnecessary information. Stick to the facts and keep the tone cordial. Keep your opinions and emotions out of all interactions. Use texts and emails whenever possible so that there is a written record of what was said and agreed upon. When you have to deal with a challenging person face-to-face, it may be a good idea to have a “script” in your head prepared ahead of time. If the other person tries to engage in a disrespectful manner, simply restate your scripted message in a calm tone and walk away.

• Attend family therapy or counseling.

As you’re setting up a new family structure, consider setting up family counseling sessions. It’s important to have a neutral party that will help you discuss intense feelings and discuss issues in a constructive way.  It’s important to include the children in the process so that they feel they have a voice through this. So much is out of their control and they may feel overwhelmed if there are hostilities between the adults that they love. Choose a counselor that has a background working with blended families. One piece of advice that I give to my clients as they begin their journey together is to write out a mission statement together that will keep the family working towards the same goal.

After six months of family counseling, the tension had lessened and there was more laughter around the house. The children were getting along better. Kim continued working with her life coach to help her as she adjusted to her new role as a stepmom. She and Charles began discussing the plans for their wedding and were feeling secure in their commitment to each other.

If you are struggling to blend your family, schedule a free forty-five minute breakthrough session at this link https://choosingtorise.acuityscheduling.com/  We will create a crystal clear vision for overcoming your hurdles, uncover hidden obstacles that may be holding you back, and develop clear and compelling goals to get you to where you want to be.